Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
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I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
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I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
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