I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
she looked like the before picture.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
