I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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