Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I cut my penus on the lid.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
