My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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