if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'd cum for enchiladas.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
