Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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