Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Randomize
