It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
