I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just blew my weed a kiss
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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