your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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