I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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