My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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