My first STD was from a foam party
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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