Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
