Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
