it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
