My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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