I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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