I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
