I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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