i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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