what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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