Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
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I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
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I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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