I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
