K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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