Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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