i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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