Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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