I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
