she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
