I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Never joke about your clitoris.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
