he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
