I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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