My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
