my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
