My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I think my moral compass just broke
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
