look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
i think i just lost a toe
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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