Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
