I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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