a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
