dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
