Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
