There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
