Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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