I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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