if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
