I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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