I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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