i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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