He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
