is your mom at the bar?
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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