I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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