This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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