she woke up with a sticky ear
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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