how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.