I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.