Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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