it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
3 2 1 whiskey
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
