She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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