i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
