He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
