i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
