Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
