So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
This toilet bowl is my home.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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