Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
